The Kuchiki Family
by Selenese
Summary: Ichigo and Renji are set lose inside of the Kuchiki Manor. May Byakuya have mercy on their souls. A collection of oneshots featuring Rukia, Ichigo, Byakuya, Hisana, Renji and various other characters. Includes some crack oneshots. Please Read and Review!


You can take the girl out of Rukongai, but you can't take the Rukongai out of the girl...

Those were the words Byakuya Kuchiki thought as he stared emotionlessly at the small woman in front of him, her dark raven black hair falling gracefully into her violet doe like eyes just as they always had, her hands folded in her lap. The young noble closed his eyes in annoyance and opened them once more to observe the damage around him. The beautiful Kuchiki manor was now in ruins. The finest Japanese cuisines now decorated the cherry blossom wallpaper, the remains of various expensive statues and vases lined the floors and articles of clothing lay scattered about. The Kuchiki lord's signature glare deepened as he returned his gaze to the bowing form before him.

"Hisana,"

Said woman titled her head upwards to glance shyly at her husband "Yes, milord?" She replied innocently, a small smile gracing her features. The aristocrat narrowed his eyes suspiciously at the petite woman, clearly unmoved by her innocent act.

"What is the meaning of this."

A moment of silence passed between the couple before a meek voice broke the tension.

"Oh! What, you mean this?" She asked lifting a tiny hand to point at the damage that surrounded her. Byakuya refused to believe that she had been oblivious to the carnage.

"Well..Byakuya-sama…you see Rukia had some friends over and..ah..things got a…um little out of hand."

The captain of squad six stayed quiet, silently urging Hisana to continue her explanation.

"Ah..What were their names..? Oh yes! Ichigo Kurosaki and Renji Abarai."

The noble closed his eyes at this information. His lieutenant and that boy had been in his manor alone with Rukia and his wife..which resulted in the manor being destroyed. The captain's mind wondered to scenarios that could have possibly taken place hours beforehand...

* * *

><p>"Oi, Rukia! Ruuukkiaaaaa! RUKIA!" shouted the two male voices in unison, making perhaps the loudest noise that the Kuchiki estate has had in years.<p>

Moments later the grand doors to the Kuchiki manor opened to reveal a short dark haired man. He stared questionably at the two men who he suspected were shinigami because of their robes, before trembling slightly and nervously clearing his throat. "C-can I help you gentlemen?" he asked. The said "gentlemen" looked down at the tiny servant in confusion.

"Uh, yeah h-hey..is Rukia here?" asked one of the shinigami with spiky orange hair. Ichigo raised his hand and scratched the back of his neck, his brown eyes observing the short man. Thick framed glasses lined the man's face which held a long nose, chubby sunburned cheeks (which was weird because it seemed that servants stayed inside all the time.) and a large round belly, giving him the appearance of a fruit if you asked Ichigo. The servent was about to respond when a sudden cry of pain interrupted him. "Idiot, you don't ask like that!" yelled the other shinigami, that had assaulted his orange haired companion, his long red hair pulled back into a ponytail. The servant let his eyes scan across the shinigami's tattoos before replying,

"Lady Rukia is-"

"DAMMIT RENJI!" yelled the strawberry, rubbing angrily at the bruised spot on the back of his head.

"Don't yell at me, strawberry! Have you forgotten that we're at taichou's house? HE'LL HAVE OUR ASSES ON A SILVER PLATTER YOU IDIOT!"

"YOUR'RE THE ONE YELLING, PINEAPPLE AND HE'S NOT EVEN FUCKING HERE, DAMMIT!

The servant continued to stare silently at the bickering shinigami. He had come to conclude that the "pineapple" was Renji Abarai, lieutenant of squad six. _So this is lord's vice captain_ the man thought. He adjusted his glasses and slightly raised his voice.

"Sirs, Rukia Kuchiki is in her room at the moment. Go down the hall, up the stairs, to your right where you'll find a large door. Enter the door then head to your left. You'll see another flight of stairs near your right. Go down those stairs into the main hall where you'll find Lady Rukia's room."

The two shinigami scratched their heads in confusion and entered the manor, mouth agape.

"How fucking big is this place?" growled the orange haired teen his eyes narrowing as he thought back to the time when Rukia had been living in his closet and had rudely remarked how small his house was. He had angrily responded to not compare it to Byakuya's house and that if she didn't like it she could find another place to stay. The strawberry smirked at the memory of her shocked expression as she quickly closed her mouth.

"Aye, Ichigo, come on."

The boy shook away the memory as the voice threw him out of his thoughts.

"Yeah, lets go, Renji."

The two men hastily searched the estate, clearly hadn't listened to much of the door man's directions.

"Let's see..make a right at the blue door on the left," murmured the vice captain as he tried to remember the servant's directions "Wait...what?" Renji had been so distracted on the stupidness emanating from the substitute soul reaper that he had completely missed out on the serva]nt's directions to the location of his childhood friend…Dammit.

The two shinigami tore though the Kuchiki house each repeatedly yelling the name of the girl. Suddenly a small petite figure came around the corner opposite of them. Same small form, same blue black hair styled in the same way, same height. The only thought that went through the two shinigami's head as they watched her retreating back was that they had found their precious Rukia. They flashed stepped forward at the same time which in result sent them both colliding into her. A squeak of surprised escaped the girl's lips as she fell onto the red head shinigami. The two men smirked cockily.

"Rukia, what's the matter? Did you get a little rusty at sensing spiritual pressure?" The orange haired one asked. Renji was about to agree when suddenly he looked at the girl's face. He froze as he observed the gentle lavender eyes much different from the sharp dark violet ones he was was accustomed to. Ichigo stared confused at his friend for a moment before turning his attention back to the girl. She wore a simple soft pink kimono with cherry blossom petals scattered along the hem, a white obi stash belt tied around her waist. Ichigo twitched. It was unlike Rukia to wear formal kimonos…Wait..Oh shit…

The red haired lieutenant shared similar thoughts as they stared at the girl..ehem..woman. Renji leaped out from under the petite woman and immediately bent at the waist in a bow.

"Forgive us Lady Kuchiki," apologized the lieutenant as he began to tremble in fear. Ichigo quickly followed after, thoughts of what would happen when her husband found out in his head. "Ichigo, and I were simply searching for Rukia…Milady, could you please direct us to where she is?"

Ichigo rolled his eyes at Renji's noble act.

Hisana stared up at the two shingami (even when they were bent at the waist they still were much taller than her) and smiled.

"Of course lieutenant Abarai, and Strawberry-kun!" The beautiful woman said "I shall escort you to my sister!" With that the small woman practically flew down the hall (gracefully that is) and dipped behind a corner. Ichigo stood there, mouth agape. How the HELL did she move so fast? He had also expected Lady Hisana to be cold and aloof like her husband.

"Come on _Strawberry-kun_," Renji mocked as he started off after the wife of his captain.

Once again Ichigo twitched but nevertheless followed Renji to the destination of Rukia

When they had finally caught up with Hisana she was standing quietly outside of a large grand doorway, which the two males expected to be Rukia's room.

"Come, come!" The woman whispered in a singsong voice as she pushed through the doors to Rukia's room. "RUKIA YOUR SHINGAMI FRIENDS ARE HERE TO SEE YOU!" Suddenly yelled the short second-head of the Kuchiki House.

This sudden noise caused the orange haired substitute soul reaper to let out a surprised "WAHRG!" and stumble awkwardly to the side, thus crashing into Rukia's work desk, scattering various piles of paperwork for the 13th Division onto the floor.

Rukia seemed to magically emerge from behind a door to his left and stared down at him angrily.

"Ichigo you fool! I had those organized too!" yelled the short girl who seemed to was about to unleash a world of anger onto his hopeless being in which he could not imagine. "Strawberry-kun, you must be more _careful._" Hisana agreed with her younger sibling. Ah sisters.

Ichigo stared up at the two siblings _They're…they're all crazy.. _Ichigo thought, trying his best to ignore the snickering of Renji on his right. He was just about to remind Lady Hisana that it had been her fault that he had crashed into the desk in the first place when Rukia suddenly interrupted.

"Ichigo. Pick. Them. Up. _Now._ "

Ichigo began sorting through the scattered paperwork grumbling something about crazy midgets as Renji said. "Wow Rukia…you sure uh, have a lot of Chappy merchandise.."

The four took that chance to scan around the room at the large amount of Chappy The Rabbit plushies, soul candy dispensers, coloring books, posters, clothing, drawing pads, snow globes, rabbit eared hoodies, stickers, sleep ware, The Chappy The Rabbit DVD collection and various other..items.. and turned to stare questionably at Rukia who only responded in a shrug.

"I think Chappy The Rabbit is wonderful!" Hisana said, breaking the silence. Rukia clasped her hands together against her chest. Her violet eyes sparkling in admiration for her sister. "O-onee-san.." She whispered "T-thank you." a blush staining her cheeks dramatically as Ichigo could practically see the tears threatening to spill over as Rukia basked in her older sister's _awesomeness_.

Ichigo looked from Hisana to Rukia and felt his left eye twitch "Okay, What..the _fuck_?"

"Language, Strawberry-kun." Said the noblewoman as she turned to smile innocently at him. Ichigo suddenly felt the temperature in the room go drastically cold. He sweat dropped as he stared back at the chillingly similar smile of 4th Division Captain, Captain Unohana. The smile could make Aizen shiver in his sleep.

"S-sorry, forgive me." Ichigo said quietly. Suddenly Kenpachi didn't scare him as much.

Everyone else in the room sweat dropped (aside from Hisana that is ) as they looked around awkwardly.

"Forgiven, Strawberry-kun! It was certainly no problem at all!" Hisana reassured happily. Rukia smirked. Renji snickered. Ichigo twitched AGAIN. And if Byakuya was there Ichigo was pretty sure he'd just..glare at all of them in annoyance.

"So, Ichigo, Renji. What did you want me for?" Rukia said tiredly as Ichigo handed her the assorted and organized pile of paperwork.

Both men stood there for a moment. Why had they come here? (A/N O_O)

"Er," started Ichigo, scratching the back of his neck as he tried to remember what the reason of their trip to the manor had been. Renji mirrored this act.

Rukia and Hisana shared glances. _Idiots _

"We were bored and er-"

"So they came to see you, Rukia! How kawii!" Hisana squealed, grabbing Rukia into a hug.

Ichigo was about to abject but closed his mouth. There was no way to respond to that. They had come to see her for that exact reason..Damn

The sudden growl of Renji's stomach changed the entire awkward atmosphere, fortunately for Ichigo.

"You all must be hungry. Let's go down to the Kitchen shall we?" Hisana said smiling as she gracefully swept out of the room. Rukia followed after her sister, and Ichigo and Renji followed after Rukia like a family of ducks.

* * *

><p>When they made it to the kitchen Renji and Ichigo stared wide eyed at the grand designer enterior. A stainless steel stove, perfectly arranged pots and silverware. The walls lined in cabinets and shelves stocked with every ingredient known to man. "I've dismissed the cooks so we could try our hand in preparing a meal." Hisana said. She reached for a large cook book at the edge of the table and opened it to a random page. "What shall we make, hmm?"<p>

They all crowded around Hisana, reading the steps to make the dish from the cook book. Ichigo stared silently at the Japanese Characters..he couldn't read them very well. Renji, sensing Ichigo's self-consciousness smirked.

"What's the matter, Ichigo?" he teased obnoxiously "Can't read it?"

Ichigo scowled deeply at the red haired lieutenant. "Yes I can _eyebrows_. "

Renji twitched "Why you-"

"Boys."

The said boys turned there head to Lady Kuchiki who's smile seemed to become sweeter with each passing moment.

Ichigo concluded that the entire Kuchiki family was evil and out for his soul.

"Now, let us continue."

* * *

><p>They were divided into two teams. Team one, which consisted of Renji and Hisana and team two, which was Ichigo and Rukia. Ichigo's scowl deepened. <em>Great..I'm being paired up with the midget who burns water… <em>

"I don't burn water, Ichigo."

Ichigo turned to address the voice.

"I didn't say anything." Defended the strawberry.

"Oh really? You've been muttering things for the longest!" Said the shorter shinigami angrily. Ichigo blinked. He could of sworn he had thought that statement.

"So you don't recall that time at my house when you insisted on helping Yuzu with her back sale? That time where you made soup for Karin when she was sick?"

Rukia narrowed her eyes. She remembered that incident perfectly.

_FLASHBACK _

"Ichi-nii!" a young Yuzu said as she stared up at her brother who was currently covered from head to toe in flour. "You're supposed to cover the dingo balls in flour, not _yourself_."

Ichigo glared at Rukia who stood innocently off to the side, she herself was also covered in flour, the thick white powder contrasting obviously in her dark locks.

"Yuzu! Your brother has been so mean to me! He's been yelling at me all day, and insulting my cooking ever since I decided to help you with your Bake sale!" Rukia paused dramatically to wipe a tear from her face. "W-why must you be so rude, Kurosaki-kun?" She cried, her eyes shining with tears as she held a tissue up to her face, her signature innocent school girl act.

Yuzu pouted and shook her head apologetically at Rukia. "Nii-san! Help Rukia-chan with the soup for Karin please! Since you obviously can't be trusted with the flour and will just end up throwing it at each other."

Ichigo rolled his eyes and went over to the other side of the kitchen where Rukia was reading a recipe from a cook book about how to prepare Miso Soup.

"Oi, need some help with that?"

Rukia turned her head to him and frowned.

"Just do as I say, fool. I don't want you messing things up."

Ichigo, surprisingly instead of retorting with a snide remark, complied silently and began chopping up _dashi _or dried seaweed for the soup onto a cutting tray.

They worked together silently, each carrying out their jobs. Rukia, who because started before Ichigo was finished first. She already had the broth cooking on the stove. She turned to Ichigo, who was still silently chopping delicately at the dashi.

"Ichigo, I need your ingredients."

Ichigo gave her a sideways glance. "I'm not done yet, _wait_."

Rukia twitched. "Don't tell me what to do! Give them to me!"

Ichigo ignored her and continued to chop slowly away at the seaweed. By that time it was so quiet in the kitchen that the sound of a grain of flour dropping to the ground could be heard. Rukia gritted her teeth together and leaned down to stare at eyelevel to the bending Strawberry. He looked up at her.

Rukia opened her mouth to speak, her voice dangerously low "Ichigo Kurosaki. Give. Me. The. _Seaweed_."

They stood there glaring at each other. Both had ceased any movement. Ichigo was the first to speak

"Nope."

Rukia reached for a knife and held it above her head.

"Then I'll help you."

The knife crashed forward into the table with a loud _klunk_, startling Ichigo who jumped back with a surprised cry at the unexpected event.

"H-hey! Put that down, you ain't slicin' me up!" yelled Ichigo, who was now at the other side of the kitchen, after of having jumped back eight feet to avoid Rukia's angry swing of death.

"What is it Kurosaki-kun? I'm just helping you cut the dashi so we can get finished faster."

Ichigo wasn't convinced.

"Fine you win you crazy bitch! Take it!"

Rukia smirked and grabbed the tray of sliced dashi. The petite shinigami dumped the last ingredient into the pot of broth and turned the dial on the stove.

"Oi, Rukia, I think you set it too high.."

"Hush! I know what I'm doing carrot top!" Rukia said, crossing her arms over her chest. A loud pop caused the shinigami to turn their attention to the pot. They watched in awe as the miso soup boiled over the the pot and burst into flames.

"GAH! DAMMIT!" Ichigo yelled as he reached for the fire extinguisher near the sink. He spent the next ten minutes putting the fire out.

Thick white foam covered them and the entire kitchen as a result. Rukia and Ichigo stood silently side by side. The sudden sound of feet running towards the kitchen wasn't enough to break their trance.

Yuzu appeared in the doorway moments later out of breath.

"I-ichi-nii, Rukia-chan! W-what happened?" she cried, her eyes wide with worry.

The two didn't respond, Ichigo only turned to Rukia, his eyes narrowed.

" I told you so."

A knife had been flung at his head.

_END FLASHBACK_

Rukia crossed her arms in annoyance, her nose held high in the air.

"That was one time, Ichigo, ONE TIME!"

Ichigo's eyes twitched.

"You burned soup, Rukia. _Soup. _"

"Oh shut up, Ichigo! Would you stop bringing up the past and get working? Hisana and Renji are already ahead of us!"

Ichigo turned his head to glance at their enemy team. They were both working happily with each other, laughing and getting along as they prepared their meal.

Ichigo nodded, the past momentarily forgotten as his competitive side kicked in…He still doubted Rukia's cooking skills though.

Rukia reached for the recipe assigned to them by Hisana and froze suddenly.

"What is it?" Ichigo asked as he observed his partner's widened eyes. Rukia didn't respond, she only continued to stare silently at the page.

Ichigo walked over and stood behind her.

"Yo, hellooo? Earth to midget?" Still no response.

Ichigo bent down to stare over her shoulder at the page that had captured Rukia's attention. His eyes widened and his breath caught in his throat.

There on their assigned page read the recipe for Miso Soup.

Aw, Dammit..

* * *

><p>"Isn't this just great? Family and friends sitting down to dinner," smiled a happy Hisana from where she sat at the head of the table. A dreamy sigh escaped her pink lips. "If only Byakuya-sama were here."<p>

The mention of said name caused Ichigo to choke on his tea.

"The hell? Byakuya would ruin this whole dinner!" Ichigo yelled. Crossing his arms from where he sat next to Renji.

"Ichigo.." Rukia warned.

"And why is that?" Hisana replied politely, but Ichigo could of sworn he detected defensiveness in her tone.

"Cause' if Byakuya was here he'd spend this entire dinner giving me his I'm- better- than-you-in-every-possible-way-and-I-would-kill-you-right-now-but-I-won't-because-Hisana-is-here-by-the-way-why-are-you-in-my-manor glare."

Hisana smiled and Ichigo watched in disbelief as she and Rukia began to giggle.

Ichigo scowled. His expense was _not_ funny. "What the hell are you laugh-"

"ICHIGO JUST SHUT UP. LADY KUCHIKI WAS NICE ENOUGH TO LET YOU EAT IN HER HOME AND SHE'S NOT EVEN GONNA TELL TAICHOU THAT WE PRATICALLY RAN HER OVER THIS MORNING!" Rang the loud yell of the man next to him. Uh, Inside voices? Ichigo cringed and held his hand up to his surely bleeding ear. The injured strawberry glared menacingly at the obnoxious pineapple in a fit of fruit rage.

"WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA OF SCREA-"

The strawberry was cut off when a bowl of _Kare Raisu _(Curry Rice) was shoved into his face. The brown-ish white substance dripped down his face from his hair and onto the floor. Fuming, Ichigo reached for a plate of _Domburi_ (egg and chicken covered rice) and flung it at the squad six lieutenant, earning a satisfying shout from the red head.

The fruits sat there, glaring silently at each other. If looks could kill, they'd both be dead.

They lunged at each other and the battle ensued.

Hisana sighed, Rukia face-palmed. _Idiots_

* * *

><p>Somehow in the end Rukia and Hisana had gotten caught up in the battle and were also covered from head to toe in various Japanese dishes. They all lay exhausted on the floor from the effect of their food fight, groaning tiredly and some glaring at each other in hatred.<p>

Ichigo turned his gaze to the scattered clothing around him.

"Where'd these clothes come from anyway?"

Hisana sighed. And Rukia stared at Ichigo, his curiousness reminded her of a puppy..or a cat. Whatever that human saying was.

"Those are from when you knocked Renji into Hisana's drawer, Ichigo." Rukia growled, her fingers masssaging her temples.

"Oh really? No way." Ichigo replied, resting his head on his hand so he wouldn't "accidently" see something from her drawer that he shouldn't have.

Everyone else stayed silent, each starting to pull food off their clothing.

"You know," started a tired Renji as he picked a piece of fried fish from his lose flowing hair, that had escaped from it's ponytail during the battle. "I'm kinda hungry."

They all shot a glare at the idiot red head. Effectivally silencing him for the time being.

* * *

><p>That night Kuchiki Byakuya strode to his estate, returning from his monthly meeting with the clans elders to discuss business concerning the Kuchiki Family, his face formed his usually calm façade.<p>

Down the hall of the manor Rukia sensed her brother's spiritual pressure.

"N-nii-sama! Nii-sama's coming!" She said frantically, causing her other three companions to jump up immediately in fear.

"Now?" Ichigo asked nervously.

"Now? What do you mean now? He's been gone all day!" Rukia yelled, smacking Ichigo upside his food decorated head.

Ichigo rubbed the assaulted area and frowned.

"Whatever, but we gotta get out of here!"

Hisana narrowed her eyes in complementation and snapped her fingers suddenly.

"Go out the back entrance and hurry! I'll handle things here." She said waving her hands at them in an attempt to shoo them away.

"B-but Onee-san-"

"Go on Rukia. I'm his _wife_. He won't do anything to me. I'm not intimidated by him anyway." Hisana's musical voice said gently as she pushed her younger sister away.

Rukia nodded nervously and followed after Ichigo and Rukia to where they had already left.

Hisana took a deep breath and began straightening her robes. She started down the main hallway and bowed at the entrance of the grand front door. Moments later the door opened to reveal the 28th head of the Kuchiki clan, looking as stony faced as ever.

"Welcome home. Byakuya-sama..."

_PRESENT_

"-And that's what happened." finished Hisana, taking the opportunity to sneak a glance at her husband.

Byakuya Kuchiki was not a man of many words, he pondered how to respond to the fact that his wife, his lieutenant, his little sister, and that _boy _had destroyed his manor. He wasn't angry at the damage, no, his home could be fixed and anything damaged could be easily replaced. He wasn't angry that Renji and Ichigo had been in his home without his consent for he was used to that. (The shinigami women's association) So their was no need to be angry. Byakuya stared at his wife's petite frame and walked over to her.

"Are you injured?"

Hisana felt her cheeks heat up and quickly dipped her head to conceal her blush.

"N-no, Byakuya-sama. I'm fine." The woman stood up and let her husband pull her against his chest. His deep voice was soothing and she could feel her eyes drooping as she listening to the slow and gentle thumping of his heartbeat through his robes.

"I trust you gave them a hard time?" Byakuya said, he knew of how his wife could be quite sadistic at times but in general had a good heart. The memories of the days events played back in her head causing her to smirk.

"You know it."

In a rare sign of emotion, her husband smirked down at her. She detected his old teenage personality in his eyes and wrapped her arms tighter around him. Anyone else would be surprised at _the_ Kuchiki Byakuya showing any other emotion on his face aside from his usual cold and aristocratic façade. It was no surprise to Hisana. In the silence of the night, both husband and wife shared a cruel inside joke.

Somewhere in Seireitei Rukia, Ichigo, and Renji sneezed.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: (READ READ READ) I love toturing Ichigo ^-^ It makes me happy inside! Okay, weirdness over. Thank you all so much for reading because this is my first fanfic, so I tried to make it not too nooby. This isn't my first time at this site but it's my first time actually making an account and writing a story. If you don't like Ichiruki or Byasana then my advice to you is to not read my fanfics cause I'll most likely be making more fanfics consisting of these pairings in the future. My antagonist pairings in this fanfic will be Ichihime and Renruki. So don't be commenting and flaming about how you think Ichigo and Orhime, or Renji and Rukia are destined to be together because I'll just either ignore or delete them. There really is no point in arguing with me about it, it's your opinion so don't waste your time or mine. :P Now that that's out of the way I'd also like to say that this (as you read in summary) is a collection of oneshots so obviously this isn't going to be the only chapter. In some oneshots Hisana might be dead, just giving you the heads up so you wont be wondering why she's alive in one chapter and dead in another. I also take constructive criticism well, so I wont be angry if you give me advice. But there's a difference from being rude people. O-o Lol Anyway thank you again for bothering to read this Author's Note and I hope I've cleared up any questions you may have in the future. 3**


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